he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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