she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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