morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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