He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
