my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
