after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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