the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
