i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
