I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
