just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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