I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
