Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
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