remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
