and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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