o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
