Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
