I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
