So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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