I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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