The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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