why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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