im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
