I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
