Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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