Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
