I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
