On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
