You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
