I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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