Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
