Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
