i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
