She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
