tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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