My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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