My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
