What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
