Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
