just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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