my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
