my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
