At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
