Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
