It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
