then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
