You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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