I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
