Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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