like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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