Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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