Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
