When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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